The Love of My Life

Electric Honeypot
Feb 15
9 min read

Writing about my last relationship will probably make me sound stupid to some. I should have ran the other way at many points when I chose stay.

Why would I put myself into the situations that I do? How could I not see the red flags? Why would I tolerate that?

Well, I did see the flags from the moment I met him, but the mental games both my partner and I played with my mind convinced me I was misjudging, overreacting, too emotional, being crazy, etc. I didn't tolerate the emotional abuse as well as I once had in my life. It's why our relationship ended relatively quick, but of course, not before our intense trauma bond unraveled nearly a year of deep healing work I had done myself.

It was the first relationship I was willing to give a try since beginning my deeper healing journey despite multiple opportunities that presented along the way. Looking back, maybe subconsciously I saw it as a consolation prize for a string of disappointments and pain I felt in my heart from feeling invisible. I thought I was ready to love and be loved by someone else, so I had taken great risks to chase what I thought might be love.

By the time I accepted this man's attention, I had already felt unworthy of having the love of another. The way he noticed me, showered me gifts and compliments, and told me he dreamed of the same nomadic life of travel I do planted this seed within my mind that maybe he is the one. If only I knew then what I know now, I could have saved myself the entire last year of mental anguish that being close to him created within me.

Alas, it all happens for a reason. I have learned how to listen to my body's alarm system telling me when someone is bad for me. I no longer ignore red flags or tolerate mind games. I can now clearly recognize the patterns of manipulation used by narcissists to create trauma bonds. I see how they make themselves out to be the sweet, innocent victims to everyone else outside of the relationship while isolating the person they poisoned. I no longer sacrifice myself, feeding my energy into people that are like black holes emotionally.

I was not allowed to tell my story before, but this is my space to heal and have a voice. He does not control the narrative anymore. I will be sharing my full story within my book, but for this blog, I want to focus on how different my life looks a year later when I am no longer under the spell of believing he ever loved me.

I took this at an anti-love DnB show I attended to take my mind off of the pain of our breakup just before Valentine's Day.

I spent the day before Valentine's Day 2025 eagerly waiting for the man I loved to receive the thoughtful gift I paid to have delivered to his work for the holiday. We hadn't been together for a month. I broke up with him after he told me he wasn't going to deal with me on a day I was depressed and tired of my thoughts and feelings meaning nothing to him. I told him, "Okay then don't deal with it ever."

He accused me of betraying him before telling me he can't let me get away with ending things so easily. He refused to take me back as I apologized and begged for his forgiveness. He began ignoring me. Each time I left him alone and started working towards accepting he's gone, he would return to tell me he loved me and would take me back if I gave it time. He wanted to focus on himself while seeing if I could change.

I now understand this is called breadcrumbing, a key element to trauma bonds within narcissistic relationships. It was just one of many tactics he used to manipulate my thoughts and emotions. He gave me just enough to keep me believing I may be good enough for him one day when the truth was that if he truly loved me and wanted to be with me, he would have been. The effort would have been mutual, but it wasn't.

I told him he would be receiving a surprise for Valentine's Day days earlier. He told me he thought about getting me a gift, too. As the holiday came to pass, I would learn he never did. I guess I was only worthy of receiving gifts from him when he could have sex with me despite his claims of loving me, but his love bombing is a story for another time.

My hope with my gift was to make him feel special and show him how much he meant to me. I didn't order the standard flowers like roses or daisies. I chose a bouquet of red tulips and blue irises for their symbolism. Red tulips for true, passionate, eternal love with youthful energy. I saw him as my fresh start at love just as the tulips are some of the first flowers to bloom each spring. Blue irises for the hope and trust I placed within him.

The first time he came to visit me, as he went to the bathroom before leaving, I started hearing that Goo Goo Dolls song "Iris" in my head.

And I'd give up forever to touch you

'Cause I know that you feel me somehow

You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be

And I don't wanna go home right now

And all I could taste is this moment

And all I can breathe is your life

And sooner or later, it's over

I just don't wanna miss you tonight

I was crying at the thought of not knowing when I would see him again by the time he finished in the bathroom. I truly thought I had found something special. We spent a weekend together at a music festival, but the weekend he came to visit me told me what I felt for him was real. It wasn't just some festival crush, or my heart longing for him at a distance.

I included a poem with the flowers.

You will always be my Hula crush.

Meeting you felt like fate.

There is no need for us to rush,

if you are truly my soulmate.

Happy Valentine's Day

He didn't have the response I intended when I placed my order full of excitement and joy to surprise him. He passive aggressively asked me how I knew where he worked, implying I was a stalker rather than someone he claimed to love. When I reminded him that he told me on multiple occasions and even let me try the beer from his work at the festival, he still found a way to put me down. He told me his coworkers thought my gift was weird.

He assured me he loved the gift. When he sent me a picture, I learned the flowers in the bouquet had never bloomed. It was a sad vase of sparse flower stalks that never came to fruition of what it was intended to be, an omen of what our dynamic truly was.

I recalled hearing Miley Cyrus's "Flowers" playing on the radio when I started my car on the day I had the idea to buy him flowers. Another omen, but I ignored it. I should have bought them for myself instead of this ungrateful, cruel, childish man that treated my heart like a disposable toy. I went no contact with him shortly after.

Fast forward to yesterday, Valentine's Day 2026.

I woke up early hearing the song "Cinema" by Benny Benassi ft. Gary Go playing within my head.

You are my cinema

I could watch you forever

Action thriller

I could watch you forever

You are my cinema

A Hollywood treasure

Love you just the way you are

My cinema, my cinema

It didn't hit me until the end of the day that this too was spirit sending me a message. I don't need the love of someone else to know how worthy, valuable, and loved I am. I do not need the validation of another person to love myself, believe in myself, and be happy.

I started my day by journaling my dreams, a practice I kept up with every day up until that relationship consumed my energy. Since Hulaween 2025, I have kept up with journaling regularly. I have returned to my spiritual practices that once brought me so much clarity and joy that had soured by his use of spiritual concepts to justify the way he treated me in our relationship.

Then when my dogs realized I was awake, they loved all over me just as they do every morning as soon as I get out of bed. Me waking up is one of their favorite parts of each day because it means they get to spend time with me. They're one of my favorite parts about life. Their love is unconditional and pure. They remind me how important I am every single day even when no one else does.

I went to the gym to stay consistent with my exercise goals that I have now kept up with for three weeks. Prior to meeting my last partner, I had lost about 33lbs from my dedication to myself. I cleaned up my diet. I was walking daily. I fasted as part of my spiritual practice. After dating him, I gave up on myself. I spent 2025 eating my feelings and barely existing in my bed when I wasn't traveling for festivals. Now, I am talking my health seriously again.

When I came home, I ate a salad loaded with vegetables before working on the video about my mother I will be releasing on Tuesday, February 17, 2026, to utilize the energy of the solar eclipse, new moon, and start of the year of the fire horse. I have been procrastinating on it because it makes me uncomfortable confronting my family. I have this fear of being seen and heard even if it is something I have dreamed of since I was a little girl. I got so much done on it, and I am now looking forward to sharing it with the world. My intention is to help bring justice to my mom's case, but even if I fail, at least I can say I tried. Fear didn't hold me back.

I cooked myself a delicious dinner that was less than 500 calories despite how indulgent it tasted. I used Greek yogurt as a base for a garlic dill mushroom sauce. I poured it over a blend of jasmine rice and quinoa before topping it with sauteed asparagus, parmesan cheese, and green onions. I cooked for myself regularly before my last relationship. For a while, I didn't care about putting so much effort into myself. Now, I cook for myself almost every night. My cooking has gotten so creative in the process.

To close out my night, I relaxed in spiritual bath full of intention, a luxury I am so grateful to have. I thank the river for supplying the water each time, knowing it is a finite resource that is being depleted due to exploitation. I want the universe to know I recognize the interconnectivity of all things. I also thank consciousness for granting us the idea to create systems of hot, running water in households. I just wish we could advance those ideas further to where we consider our impact before we create problems we have to worry about solving later.

As I laid in bed, I read a book about life in a North Korean Gulag titled The Aquariums of Pyongyang by Kang Chol-hwan. I read more non-fiction than I do fiction because I like to gain new perspective on the human experience. I choose to read painful stories like Kang's because those stories matter. The resilience, learning how to heal, speaking out in the hopes to create change, and the life changing experience of having darkness become a bright destiny are all major inspirations within my own life. These concepts are the basis of everything I am doing, too.

I once gave up on my dreams and felt like sharing my story was pointless. I heard the voice of my ex in my head telling me, "I know how people are. No one cares." I now realize, he was projecting how little he cared about the pain of others onto the people of the world. I care. Kang cares. I know the world is full of people like us even if it doesn't seem like it because it is also full of people like my last partner.

My story matters. One day, I will be valued by the world. How do I know this? Because I am finally valuing myself. I am pouring the love, time, energy, and effort I gave so freely to others for little in return back into myself now. I know I am worthy of being seen, heard, and loved.

I spent Valentine's Day 2026 with the most important person I will ever have, me. I am the love of my life, and everything else is just a bonus from here on out.

While I love and value the people in my life, at the end of the day this life is about me. I am no longer sacrificing myself begging for someone to see me, feel me, hear me, and love me. I can do all of that for myself. The people that are meant for me will find me as I become more of myself.

Thank you to my last partner, all of the men before, the friends, the family members, the co-workers, employers, and anyone else that didn't value me, respect me, or care about losing me. Thank you for stomping all over my heart because without you, I wouldn't be me. I am so proud of the person I am and who I am becoming each and every day.

On the same page I wrote my Valentine's Day poem for him, I had written another poem first.